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Senior wedding 6/4/2013
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are
all excited about their decision to get married. They go
for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass
a drugstore.. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell ...
0 Comments, 73 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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Getting Even 6/2/2013
Two Rednecks were in a bar drinking. One says to the other,
"If I went to your house, screwed your wife and she
had my baby, would that make us relatives?" The other
says, "No, but it would make us even."
0 Comments, 166 Views,
10 Votes
,3.39 Score
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DC Traffic Jam 6/2/2013
A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside
the Capitol Building in Washington, DC. Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's
going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress,
and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them
all in ...
0 Comments, 134 Views,
12 Votes
,4.39 Score
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Golf 5/31/2013
I came home from the golf course today. The wife left a note on the fridge:
"IT'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore!!
Gone to stay with my Mother."
I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold...
What the hell is she talking about?
0 Comments, 190 Views,
9 Votes
,3.00 Score
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I failed 5/31/2013
I failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center
today.
One of the questions was:
"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
"F*cking' big ones" was apparently the
wrong answer.
0 Comments, 96 Views,
8 Votes
,3.25 Score
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Who knew? 5/30/2013
-------- --------- ---------
Men can read smaller Print than women can; women can hear better. --------- --------- ---------
Coca-Cola was originally green.
--------- --------- --------- It is impossible to lick your elbow.
--------- --------- --------- The State with the Highest percentage of people who walk
to work: Alaska
--------- --------- ...
0 Comments, 140 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score
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Red Coat 5/28/2013
During the recent royal wedding, the millions around the
world saw that Prince William chose to wear a uniform that
included the famous Red Coat Many people have asked, "why
did the British wear red coats in battle?"
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one
battle, the French captured a British Colonel. They took
him to their headquarters, and the French General began ...
0 Comments, 136 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score
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Who in here has been screwing my wife 5/28/2013
A man walked into his crowded local bar, waved a revolver
around and yelled
"Who in here has been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar yelled back "You're gonna need more ammo!"
1 Comments, 229 Views,
11 Votes
,5.78 Score
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I'm leaving 5/28/2013
The nice mother-in-law comes over and finds her -in-law
furious, and packing his suitcase.
"What happened"?? She asks.
Bob screamed, "What happened? I'll tell you
what happened! I sent an email to my wife saying that I was
coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found? My wife, yes my Rachel,
your , with a naked guy in our marital bed! This
is the end of our ...
0 Comments, 194 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
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If this isn't really true, it ought to be. 5/28/2013
A 50-something year old Muslim man arrived at his seat on
a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to an elderly white woman reading
her Bible.
Disgusted, the Muslim man immediately summoned the flight
attendant and demanded a new seat. The man said "I
cannot sit here next to this infidel." The flight
attendant said "Let me see if I can find another ...
3 Comments, 165 Views,
11 Votes
,4.29 Score
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True Love 5/28/2013
Max & Arlene lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota. It
vas early vinter and da lake had frozen over. Max asked Arlene
if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store
to get him some beer. She asked him for some money but he told
her, “Nah, yust put it on our tab.”
So Arlene valked across, got the beer at da yeneral store,
den walked back home across the lake. Ven she ...
0 Comments, 120 Views,
8 Votes
,3.94 Score
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Construction worker 5/22/2013
A construction worker on the 5th floor
of a high rise building needed a handsaw. So he spotted another worker on the ground floor and yelled
down to him. While the guy on the ground, could hear his name
called he couldn't quite grasp what the guy wanted.
So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.....
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to
his knee meaning ...
0 Comments, 164 Views,
8 Votes
,4.17 Score
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Gynecologist's Assistant 5/22/2013
A man went into the State unemployment office in downtown
Denver, and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's
Assistant. Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read -- "The job entails
getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them
down and carefully wash their private ...
0 Comments, 196 Views,
12 Votes
,5.27 Score
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Worried about her husband's temper 5/22/2013
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's
temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to
do . Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason.
It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems
that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of
water and start swishing it in ...
0 Comments, 198 Views,
13 Votes
,6.16 Score
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CLASSIC ENGLISH LESSON 5/22/2013
This is the best, most interesting English lesson I have
had to date. Did you know "listen" and "silent"
use the same letters?
Do you know that the words "race car" spelled
backwards still spells "race car"?
And that "eat" is the only word that if you take
the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past
tense "ate"? And have you noticed that if you rearrange the ...
1 Comments, 152 Views,
12 Votes
,5.45 Score
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Cell phones in public 5/21/2013
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and
closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next
to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a
loud voice: "Hi, sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train."
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four
thirty, but I had a long meeting."
"No, honey, not with that blonde ...
0 Comments, 169 Views,
14 Votes
,5.86 Score
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EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY 5/21/2013
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit
Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired
God.
'It is all so beautiful, God, ' she replied. 'The
sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the
sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem..
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one
pushes the other two out and I am constantly ...
0 Comments, 128 Views,
9 Votes
,1.50 Score
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Heaven... 5/18/2013
Mike and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for
sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed
to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely
due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise
for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went
on a vacation ...
0 Comments, 154 Views,
9 Votes
,4.28 Score
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"What's the matter?" 5/18/2013
Bob was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside
him.
The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning
in fear.
"What's the matter?" Bob asked.
"I've been transferred to Chicago, there are
crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings,
gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the
highest crime rate in the nation."
Bob ...
0 Comments, 165 Views,
13 Votes
,4.65 Score
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burglaries increasing dramatically 5/18/2013
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few
months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the
entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and
ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply
had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and ...
2 Comments, 158 Views,
11 Votes
,5.60 Score
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The Night Light 5/18/2013
The Night Light
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come
back with normal results.
The doctor says, "George, everything looks great.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace
with God?"
George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have
poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the
middle of the night to go to the ...
0 Comments, 115 Views,
7 Votes
,2.79 Score
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Dancing 5/18/2013
Dancing
I went to the pub last night and saw a large woman dancing
on a table.
I said, " Nice legs."
The woman giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really
think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed
by now."
0 Comments, 112 Views,
8 Votes
,3.25 Score
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IRISH COMPASSION 5/14/2013
A man was sitting on a blanket at the ocean beach. He had no
arms and no legs.
Three women, the first from England, the second from Wales,
and the third from Ireland, were walking past the poor man
feeling sorry for him.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No, " so she gave him a nice warm
hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ...
1 Comments, 141 Views,
8 Votes
,4.17 Score
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Finally time to get married 5/14/2013
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going
out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends,
they decided it was finally time to get married. Before
the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed
finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the
old gentleman decided it was time to broach ...
0 Comments, 150 Views,
12 Votes
,5.27 Score
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Apprecation 5/11/2013
My wife says I need to treat her with more respect and appreciation.
So tonight I'm going to let her do the ironing in peace,
without criticising.
0 Comments, 126 Views,
7 Votes
,2.79 Score
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Laterial Thinking 5/11/2013
A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the
nerve to jump off.
A passing stops and says, "Since you're
about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we
have sex please?"
The woman says, "No, fuck off."
The turns to leave and replies, "Fine, I'll
just go and wait at the bottom."
0 Comments, 145 Views,
8 Votes
,2.78 Score
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A spot of diy 5/11/2013
I was installing a light in the loft today, when I slipped
off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling.
It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.
I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.
0 Comments, 113 Views,
4 Votes
,0.53 Score
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What Happens in Heaven Stays in Heaven 5/11/2013
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic
examination to determine whether admission will be granted.
One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of
what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day
was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife
lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just ...
0 Comments, 152 Views,
8 Votes
,3.25 Score
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Our society is doomed.............. 5/11/2013
IDIOT SIGHTING I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please" She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the
bills are the same size." When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....
IDIOT SIGHTING When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership
to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in
it. We ...
0 Comments, 156 Views,
7 Votes
,5.08 Score
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LOOKING FORWARD TO FOOTBALL SEASON 5/11/2013
I KNOW MANY OF YOU (LIKE ME) ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO FOOTBALL
SEASON. WELL, HERE'S A LITTLE RECAP OF LAST YEAR.........
Coincidence??
Just wondering! Alabama beat Arkansas and they fired the coach.
Alabama beat Tennessee and they fired the coach.
Alabama beat Auburn and they fired the coach.
Then Alabama beat Notre Dame and the Pope resigns...
...
0 Comments, 86 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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