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Do you have the willpower to take Marg Helgenberger to the bone zone ?
Posted:May 20, 2018 6:14 pm
Last Updated:May 20, 2018 6:17 pm
88 Views
One time I dated this lady - unbelievable but true . She loved CSI and I didn't hate it so I watched a LOT of CSI with her . Because what else does a couple do ? Exactly . It's like Rachel Feinstein said "A good show makes a good relationship" . Anyway shortly before things went south with her I was in Vegas for a conference and I saw Marg Helgenberger sitting at a little table in the lobby . Not sure why . It looked like the table had been put there for her . I can't come up with a decent theory on what was going on .

Now , I don't give a shit about autographs and I don't really understand anyone else does , one time a friend of mine was hanging out in a bar where all the wrestlers went after a show in town and he got all their autographs for me and when he gave it to me I feigned thanks but mostly I was thinking "how long before I can throw this away without him noticing ?"

But I knew my GF would be over the moon if I got her Catherine Willow's autograph . There was this girl , and I say girl because she looked to be about 17 , hovering around her with a blazer and a clipboard - she appeared to be Helgenberger's handler or assistant or a lackey or some kind . So I go up to her and I tell her my GF is a huge CSI fan and I ask if it would be okay to ask MH for her autograph . And the blazer-girl is super nice and sweet , maybe she was a publicist , she goes over and has a little powwow with MH and she says that Marg would love to give me an autograph for my GF .

So I walk up to Helgenbeger's little table and she looks up from her PDA or Blackberry or whatever (this was a while ago) and I tell her my GF is a big fan and I ask for an autograph .

And she says to me she says "Go fuck yourself asshole ."

This forces us to examine exactly what happened here . Did blazer-girl set me up ? Did Marg tell her no and she told me to approach anyway ? Did Helgenberger tell her to send me over just to she could tell me to f off because she's a weirdo celebrity and that's how she gets her kicks ? Were they in on it together ? Like that's a bit they do anytime someone asks for an autograph ?

What I choose to believe though is that blazer-girl actually was not associated with MH in any way and she was just someone to happen to be standing by a celebrity and when I went up to her she thought "Ah-ha , this will be hilarious" .

Question for the ladies . When a dude is bragging about scoring with you to his Laser Tag team would you prefer that he said he took you to the "bone zone" or to "pound town" ?

What if I told you one option comes with a shirt ?



I find it interesting that people imagine they have all this mental fortitude that they clearly don't have . Such as I feel like most people would say they could run a marathon if they "had" to just by sheer force of will . Which is clearly insane . And maybe by most people I mean most guys , not sure . I mostly talk to guys so maybe women a little more realistic about what they could accomplish under some kind of duress .

Many moons ago I read a book of short stories about ghouls . A few of them were pretty good . Some of them were awful . About half of them were about goth chicks banging ghouls . Apparently ghouls have massive cocks - which isn't something your hear a lot about . The orientation of mythical creature genitalia remains largely a mystery .

My question is though , I know goth-girls are all into death and darkness and all that , but do they really want to bang a grave-robbing monster that eats putrid flesh ? Because I don't think they do .

On the other hand the two-headed guy from the freakshow claims that be fucked a bunch of chicks who just wanted to be able to say they humped a two-headed freak . Because people are weird .
4 Comments
You'll never believe what the millennials did this time !!!!!
Posted:May 18, 2018 4:12 pm
Last Updated:May 20, 2018 5:52 pm
387 Views
This blog has mostly been a archive for the various ways that millennials have RUINED our otherwise legendary society and check out what they've killed now . Ice tea . Ice tea is GONE . No more ice tea . Do you like ice tea ? Too bad sucker it's DEAD . You'll never have it again . If you think you have ice tea in the fridge think again , it's gone - no check right now . See ? Lipton , Nestea , Crystal Light and Snapple are all out of business as of today and all their employees killed themselves in shame and horror . Which is something you'd think would be in the news .



But there is good news and that is that millennials are done for . Corporate America officially no longer gives a shit about them and their dumb avocado-toast smeared faces . All they care about now is Generation Z and heretofore everything will be done to cater to them . How's that taste millennials ? You're OUT . This will sting them especially hard because they're all soft and sissified . Everyone says so , or they did anyway , no one says that about them now because no one cares anymore .

Generation Z is what targeting marketing campaigns are about starting today because they have 22 billion in annual purchasing power .

But 40 , isn't that nothing compared to the hundreds of billions if purchasing powers in (insert my generation) ?

Shut up ! Your generation is OLD and WEAK no one cares what you do with your money grandma/pa !

Go generational analytical constructs !!!!!!!!!!!!!!



In my experience 100% of women I've dated or gotten to know well love ice tea . Can't stand the stuff myself . That's probably why I can't land a wife .

This morning as I was walking into work I saw a squirrel laboriously dragging a bag of hot dog buns down the sidewalk . And I was delighted because you know life is a tough prospect - you have to fight for everything . And while you're doing that you still have to mow the lawn and change the oil and install a new toilet main and every other damn thing . But good things can happen . I mean a single hot dog bun is the find of a lifetime for a squirrel and this lucky SOB was walking off with a whole bag - and it was the 12 pack folks , not the six . That squirrel struck the mother fucking motherlode , it's got it made you know ? It's probably up to it's squirrel tail in squirrel pussy and/or squirrel dick right now .

And while I may never find my proverbial bag of hot dog buns , it's good to be reminded that it can happen .

I told this to some of my co-workers and while they enjoyed the tale one of them said "he's probably going to have a squirrel party" and one person laughed - but they laughed in the 'weird" way . So I thought "oh no , clearly 'squirrel party' has some obscene sexual meaning' . And indeed it does and it's NASTY .

Can't anything be sacred anymore ? Must everything be perverted ?

Next blog topic - having sex when you're sick
4 Comments
You'll never believe what the millennials did this time !!!!!
Posted:May 18, 2018 4:10 pm
Last Updated:May 21, 2018 1:13 pm
256 Views

This blog has mostly been a archive for the various ways that millennials have RUINED our otherwise legendary society and check out what they've killed now . Ice tea . Ice tea is GONE . No more ice tea . Do you like ice tea ? Too bad sucker it's DEAD . You'll never have it again . If you think you have ice tea in the fridge think again , it's gone - no check right now . See ? Lipton , Nestea , Crystal Light and Snapple are all out of business as of today and all their employees killed themselves in shame and horror . Which is something you'd think would be in the news .

[image2]

But there is good news and that is that millennials are done for . Corporate America officially no longer gives a shit about them and their dumb avocado-toast smeared faces . All they care about now is Generation Z and heretofore everything will be done to cater to them . How's that taste millennials ? You're OUT . This will sting them especially hard because they're all soft and sissified . Everyone says so , or they did anyway , no one says that about them now because no one cares anymore .

Generation Z is what targeting marketing campaigns are about starting today because they have 22 billion in annual purchasing power .

But 40 , isn't that nothing compared to the hundreds of billions if purchasing powers in (insert my generation) ?

Shut up ! Your generation is OLD and WEAK no one cares what you do with your money grandma/pa !

Go generational analytical constructs !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[image3]

In my experience 100% of women I've dated or gotten to know well love ice tea . Can't stand the stuff myself . That's probably why I can't land a wife .

This morning as I was walking into work I saw a squirrel laboriously dragging a bag of hot dog buns down the sidewalk . And I was delighted because you know life is a tough prospect - you have to fight for everything . And while you're doing that you still have to mow the lawn and change the oil and install a new toilet main and every other damn thing . But good things can happen . I mean a single hot dog bun is the find of a lifetime for a squirrel and this lucky SOB was walking off with a whole bag - and it was the 12 pack folks , not the six . That squirrel struck the mother fucking motherlode , it's got it made you know ? It's probably up to it's squirrel tail in squirrel pussy and/or squirrel dick right now .

And while I may never find my proverbial bag of hot dog buns , it's good to be reminded that it can happen .

I told this to some of my co-workers and while they enjoyed the tale one of them said "he's probably going to have a squirrel party" and one person laughed - but they laughed in the 'weird" way . So I thought "oh no , clearly 'squirrel party' has some obscene sexual meaning' . And indeed it does and it's NASTY .

Can't anything be sacred anymore ? Must everything be perverted ?

Next blog topic - having sex when you're sick
0 Comments
A question for the day
Posted:May 13, 2018 5:01 pm
Last Updated:May 18, 2018 3:47 pm
775 Views

How sexist is it that I assume a mother would be more disappointed in a daughter doing porn than a son ? Like 60% ? I assume your typical mother would be mortified and feel like a failure either way but I believe that somehow it wouldn't be as bad with a porn son . Not by much , but a little .

I say this on pretty much every holiday but it's always a little weird to me when people post about their family get togethers on here - I get it for some people this is just where they blog and it's NOT a sex site for them but just the sheer number of cock pics is overwhelming .
4 Comments
The House of pain is in effect
Posted:May 12, 2018 1:53 pm
Last Updated:May 14, 2018 6:33 pm
879 Views
Do you ever wonder if the caveman who first tried anal was straight or gay ? I do . Often . And the sad part is we'll never know . Even if you could travel backwards in time , which you can't . Logically it seems like it had to have been a gay caveman but if it was how did it make the leap to male-female cavepeople sex ? Regardless at some point there was a caveman who was like "huh , I'm going to put my dick in there and see what happens" . And consider this , this was going on for THOUSANDS of years before lube was a thing . Yeah . . .

I often wonder why I have a "thing" for anal . It does make a ton of sense when you look at it . Unless you like getting urinary tract infections maybe . And the really weird part is that I've had anal sex literally SOME times and it's kind of "meh" yet 88% of the time when I want the pornography what I want to see is hardcore ass slamming . Why ? What's the appeal ? I mean as Amy Schumer says "That's where the poop comes from" .

The argument was once that it was like a taboo so it was like forbidden fruit but I don't think that can be true anymore . It's like basically mainstream at least conceptually .

According to the internet here's the explanation - It's all in the mind. Anal sex screams "domination" sometimes, be it the man over the girl, or the girl over the man. Guys tend to get a mental pleasure on thinking they're "getting her what she deserves" and stuff like that. Some girls like to have it on their asses because then they feel some "control". You know, "mistress" kind of thing.

Which is exactly the kind of semi-literate response I expect from the internet .

I read a book once written by a ballerina that was ALL about how anal sex is the best ever and it's all about submission and how the pussy can "lie" but the asshole always "tells the truth" . Pretty sure that broad is cuckoo bananas .



Did you know that June Diane Raphael is married to Paul Scheer ? I didn't . Talk about punching above your weight class - that mofo is goofy looking as hell and she is GORGEOUS .

You see that ever now and then , a beee-utiful lady with a real weirdo - not an uggo usually but just an unhandsome strange looking fella . But when have you ever seen a gorgeous hunk manflesh with a plain Jane type gal ? It doesn't seem to happen . But does that mean men are more superficial or just better at going after that they want/more delusional ? I suppose it's probably both . I just know for sure that no matter how monstrously ugly he may be most dudes think they score with ScarJo if they got a shot .

Speaking of , as you all know I do most of my shopping online but yesterday I decided to stop by the old comic/gaming store to see what was up . Ugh , I hate being reminded that the stereotypes about gamers are mostly true . I think of myself as a real dweeb but I forgot how close I am to the mainline compared to most of these monsters .

I walk in there and immediately my thought is "dudes use your inside voices , why are you shouting EVEYRTHING YOU SAY" . I can hear you , I'm literally standing 2 feet away . Oh and your favorite character from whatever horrible sci-fi TV show you're talking about is the socially awkward genius who bangs the hot chick ? I wonder why . And your second favorite character is the hot chick ? And your third favorite character is the hot chick who was on screen for 30 seconds and had no lines ? But you don't like the other hot chick anymore because she's "getting a little chubby" . And now you're just listing Magic cards that you own ?

Great conversation .

Debi Mazar - what do I know her from ? She looks very familiar but I can't place her.

I commented to my co-worker the other day that I was amused an old invoice had 19,999 on it for the year instead of 1999 . And then I mused "I wonder what life will be like then" and they expressed their opinion that it probably wouldn't be that different . I of course jumped down their throat about that and they said defensively "Well things don't really change that much , I mean 18,000 years ago was it really that much different from now ?"

I said that 18,000 years ago was the GD Stone Age and he was confused and said "It was , I thought the bible times were like millions of years ago" .
7 Comments
It would have been soooooooo sweet
Posted:May 11, 2018 5:42 pm
Last Updated:May 13, 2018 4:53 pm
1035 Views
I had this fantastic idea .

I was going to post with the title "If you don't want to fall immediately and immutably into love , look away"

Then I follow with a line "If you don't want to awaken a desire , look away"

And then "If you don't want to be seduced , look away"

And then I would post a picture of my balls .

And then a paragraph imploring men to cool with the dick pics because today's modern woman is all about the balls .

It would have been HILARIOUS .

But what I diovered is my wrinkly hairy ballsack isn't that funny , it's just sad . This is something that happens every now and then , I think of this "hilarious" post I want to do that involves a picture of me and then instead I just end up thinking "man I'm gross , but not gross enough to be funny" . It's a bit of a bummer .



I blogged a blog many moons ago wherein I was recounting how Christina Hendricks said that she had a hard time getting roles in Hollywood because of her large breasts . And I was somewhat skeptical , seemed like a convenient excuse . How could having a sweet rack hurt you ?

But I have to backtrack because I watched an interview with her the other day . It was 45 minutes and all I could think the entire time was "my god those tits are INSANE" . I'm only moderately immature as far as men goes . So I think I have to agree with her now . She said that casting people often told her "You don't look like the girl next door , you look like a porn star" and I could see that now .

I'm not sure what the deal is , why this time it was so entrancing , because I've seen her before obviously - they must tie those puppies down when she's in wardrobe . Or they put special lighting on her or something to diminish her bonkers boobs . Point is it was very distracting .

I probably have mentid this before but if you've ever watched Star Trek TNG you've probably noticed that in pretty much every episode it seems like they're introducing a new character and then you never see them again . And that's because the showrunners were MEGA-cheap and didn't want to the writers the very modest fee you get for having a character you created in a show .

And now my definitive ranking of minor characters from the office from best to worst ;

Hide - His backstory is the BEST , he killed the Yakuza boss ON PURPOSE !!!

Mose - Obviously

Lonnie - Great character , left the show because his role was so small

Nate - Good minion for Dwight

Trevor - Dwight had all the good flunkies

Rolf - Like I just said . . .

Carol - of Michael's most crushing/hilarious moments

Isabel - If Dwight had ended up with her the finale would have been just bad instead of terrible

Jordan - Like every other female character she had a crush on Jim . I don't get it , I mean he's a goofball . I guess there wasn't a lot to choose from in that office though .

Zeke - Another solid Dwight satellite character

Nick - I like a character that every is a jerk to for no reason who isn't Toby , he left to be another show that got cancelled pretty much immediately . Whoops .

Danny - A weird late series guest star role for Timothy Olyphant , the suplot where he kept trying not to hurt Pam's feelings and they kept after him for the "truth" was well d though

Sadiq - I feel like they had plans for this character and then just did nothing , I wonder why

Madge - She's a punching bag but an amusing

Lucas - I think you're going to get in a lot of trouble if you spank some in an office

Ronni - Meh

Cathy - She came on for a few episodes and tried to bang Jim , it was lame

Brian - Negative a million points , the late series bullshit with Pam and Jim having "issues" was of the worst things about the crummy last season

Remember when Kevin was engaged ? And then they broke it off . What was the point of that ?
8 Comments
Infinity War ? More like Infinity BORE !!!
Posted:May 7, 2018 5:56 pm
Last Updated:May 13, 2018 4:54 pm
1558 Views
No wait , Infinity War ? More like Infinity SNORE !!! Yeah , that's better .

Spoilers . Obviously .

I've increased my masturbatory level lately which is somewhat puzzling because usually my periods of increased jerking off are when I'm getting "it" on the reg and when I go long periods without I usually tend to lose my desire for physical pleasure . And as always when this happens I wonder "Am I jerking off too much , should I cut back ?" which is interesting because I never worry about having too much sex . I guess all the cultural shame about masturbation is still rattling around in the old noggin .

Shaming people about banging makes sense because that leads to babies and we have WAY to many people already but masturbation shaming makes no sense really . There's no impact at all to society that I can think of . I mean I guess you can say that jerking off props up porn and porn is bad news but all this anti-masturbation hysteria began long before porn was a thing . Unless you count erotic woodcuts , which you don't .

The point is I've been watching the porn more than usual and I started to wonder when a porn lady has sex IRL do you think its weird to handle a normal sized penis ? OR do you think porn ladies only hook up with dudes with massive cocks ? I started thinking about this as a lady was handling a dick with both hands and there was plenty of room for more hands , when she's working with a normal penis - which let's be honest can mostly be covered with one hand - it has to throw her whole routine off .

I do wonder though how much different it feels inside you . In a blind dick-test could you tell the difference between a 5 inch and a 8 inch dick ? Or is it mostly just a mental thing ?

Sometimes when I see hands on a porn cock it makes me think of that old game you'd play to see who got to bat first ;



Anyway , I was joking about Infinity War , I liked it of course and I know you've all been waiting breathlessly for my thoughts . And by thoughts I mean complaints of course .

One thing I wish they had put in there was the scene from the comic where pretty much everyone is dead and Captain America is still trying to fight Thanos because he's Captain America and that's what he does and Thanos gets annoyed and casually shatters his shield . That's when you knew shit was real . Because honestly characters die and come back every other week in comics , it's kind of like a soap opera in that way - in some trade magazines they'd had a listing of who was currently dead and who was alive - so death isn't really a big deal . But Cap's shield being broken ? That was insane in the membrane .

But in the MCU they took away Cap's shield . Which is kind of okay because he looked mildly goofy in his outfit . I liked the look of this fugitive Cap . Not to mention that tactical outfit Black Widow had on , me-ow . I couldn't even complain about her being a blonde .

One thing that was in the movie that I didn't like , which is really my only complaint and it's pretty minor , is when Thanos is taking Gamora to toss her off the cliff to get the Soul Stone she's slapping ineffectually at his wrist like a bitch . She's one of the murderingest murders in all of murdertown and when she's literally fighting for her life she responds with sissy slaps ? Boo . She should have been punching him in the kidneys or kicking him or something .

I mean at the end was Cap failing at Thanos like a angry toddler ? No , he was gritting his teeth and digging in and being a strong action man . Why does Gamora have to go out like a weakling ?

I mean I guess if you really wanted to be generous you could say being in Thanos presence was making her revert to a childhood state where she wasn't a badass killing machine but I'm not in the mood to be so forgiving . Clearly they just did that because she's a female character and obviously women can't die with dignity .

I have to hand it to Marvel Studios for going with a totally grim ending though . I mean I know that 88% of people assume everything is going to be undone in the next movie but that's still pretty un-Hollywoody to end a movie with a 100% bad guy victory and 87% of the popular characters dead .

Someone asked me the other day if the movie was anything like the comic and the answer is not really . Because in the comic the main protagonists were the Silver Surfer - to which Sony has the movie rights - and Adam Warlock - who they introduced at the end of Guardians 2 (which sucked BTW) but seem to be doing something else with . The Avengers weren't really part of the whole Thanos deal . Thor was there for a minute but got killed right away . The Guardians weren't involved in any way .

This is actually a better story though because what you have to realize is that the comic came out in 1992 and they weren't really into continuity back then . It was more like a sitcom where stuff would happen and then in the next issue everything was ignored . Moving the Thanos stuff to after Civil War and Planet Hulk was interesting for me .

But the main difference is in Thanos' motivation . In the movie he's got a pretty solid reason for what he's doing - they're already selling "Thanos was right" shirts like hotcakes . In the comic his motivation is more . . . . stupid .

You see in the comic he wants to kill everyone to impress Death . Because he wants to bang her . Because Death is a lady .



A lady who won't return Thanos' calls . A lady who's always washing her hair when Thanos wants to take her out . A lady who plays Thanos' voice mails for her friends over brunch and laughs as they sip their mimosas . I mean I guess it's kind of interesting that the most powerful being in the universe is basically just a pathetic loser trying to impress a girl but yeah , the movie is much better when it comes to Thanos' motivation .

Now , I will say this , the entire concept of the Infinity Stones doesn't make a ton of sense . Because really once you have the Reality Stone you're pretty much done . What do you need the others for ?

My last note is that the guy who was sitting next to me laughed HYSTERICALLY every time Peter Dinklage came on the screen . How I grant you his role was mildly ridiculous and he was doing a stupid voice but I got the sense this dude was just endlessly amused by seeing a little person . I could have done without that .

His wife/GF/whatever did declare that Chris Evans is the finest looking man around . He's a good looking fellow but I think I prefer the Winter Soldier myself .

You do have Chris Evens , Chris Pratt and Chris Hemsworth all together - you just need Chris Pine in there and you've got a full set you know ?
8 Comments
Advance Australia Fair
Posted:May 6, 2018 11:26 am
Last Updated:May 7, 2018 5:18 pm
1653 Views
I once wrote that Australia is both the sexingest and the sexiest country on the planet (this one) and I stand by that statement . However there's an Australia dude at my new job (what's your over/under on when I'll stop calling it my new job ? ) and he's a real piece of work . The IT world is full of people with shitty attitudes , I assume because they feel their knowledge is in demand and they should be treated as some kind of elites , but this fellow really takes the cake . Everything is done reluctantly with a sigh and an eyeroll and 45 minutes of bitching , every time he screws something up (which is often) it's someone else's fault , he's the only one who knows anything , everyone else is stupid , etc. at el .

So the other day he comes up to me apropos of nothing and starts listing off all the reasons Australia is great and the US sucks and I says to him I says "I was born here , you moved here , I'm not sure what point you're trying to prove" . He didn't like that .

Not

One

Bit

I'd wager most Australians could kick my ass and this dude is several inches taller than me but I feel like he's one of the few people in my weight class I could take . There's some bigger dudes that you can just tell are soft you know ? It's like my cousin Joe , he's physically superior to me in every way but whenever we spar I wail on him because he's a gentle soul - he doesn't have "it" you know . Whereas I am filled with hatred and rage .

Point is Australia , thumbs up , this dude , thumbs down . Maybe that's why he's here , maybe they send all their jerks to America .

While we're on the subject we're in the midst of an Australian wrestler invasion . And it's wonderful .

Nia Jax , Emma , Peyton Royce , Billie Kay , Rhea Ripley , Buddy Murphy , TM-61 , and of course the best of them all , Toni Storm ;



There used to be a time when foreigners were usually great wrestlers but as time has gone on that's not the case so much anymore - I assume as travel becomes cheaper and more commonplace more people that suck get out into the world . But all these Australians are great wrestlers . I assume because Australia is still far enough away from everything that you have to really bring something to the table to warrant a 700 hour flight .

Speaking of wrestling ;



And yes , that is exactly what it looks like - a bunch of undead brides holding back a cheerleader while a demonically possessed assassin is placed in a coffin .

Because reasons .
3 Comments
Pussy & pussy & pussy (and hypothetical pussy)
Posted:May 5, 2018 8:03 am
Last Updated:May 6, 2018 11:04 am
1862 Views
Well I just learned something . You know how if you're giving a woman a massage they want to wail away on their back like you're John Henry driving steel but any pressure on their legs and they kick you right in the dick ? Turns out the reason for this is that they're legs are basically also clits . Which kind of makes sense . Now I understand why people back in the day were so scandalized by women showing their legs .



Speaking of , I read a book when I was a lad about Nazis (I wonder if that's a banned word) who came to the future with their time machine and found out they lost the war so their initial plan was to take that knowledge to the past and try and change history BUT they found the way women strutted around with all their bits hanging out in the future too good to pass up so they just stayed to bang sluts . There's a message in there somewhere . Make love not war I guess .

The other day I was hanging out with Sweaty Betty and she says to me she says "We've been hanging out for like 3 years now and you haven't tried to fuck me in the ass , are you a pussy or what ?" You really can't win you know ? If you try to be nice you're a pussy and if you don't you're an abusive narcissist .

The other day at work a guy suggested that I "might be a pussy" and I says to him I says "Well , you are what you eat" and everyone freaked out like that was the sickest burn ever . Which I really don't understand . How is saying that I go down on women a burn on him ? I mean I guess you could say that I was implying that I have sex with a lot of women but still that's not really a burn on him .

Plus here's the thing , despite all the talk out there about female empowerment and what have you we definitely haven't reached the point where men brag about their oral skills - except in unsolicited AdultFriendFinder messages of course .

Never once has a guy looked around and then leaned in and said to me "You know , I'm great at eating pussy" . Quite the opposite - the dudes I know who are super-dudey dudes are often proud of fact that they never go down . I suppose because oral sex has undertones of subservience , I mean they call it "servicing" right ? And as a mannish manly manly man they need to be dominant and strong and in control - you get on your knees and suck their dick , they don't please you . That's feminine and therefore sick and wrong (for a man) .

I really miss going down on ladies sometimes . It's been a while since I hah a regular partner and my non-regular sometimes sex buddy doesn't like it when I go down on her . The funny thing is I generally don't believe women when they say they like sucking dick but yet I like going south of the border so once again I am a hypocrite .

There's just something very satisfying about being between a woman's legs and hearing her little gasps and moans , feeling her body tense and then turn to jelly . It's totally cool . Plus sometimes you can sneak it a little asshole lick here and there , but you really should do that because of germs . Ironically it's safer to go ass to mouth than ass to pussy . Ironic and gross .

The sad part is I'm not sure I'm good at it anymore . When I was a strapping young man my lady friends RAVED about my oral skills but in retrospect I think that was 30% them trying to stroke my ego and 60% the fact that they hadn't been with many/any dudes that would do it willingly/eagerly . I used to think "hey , I may not be attractive , I may not have a pleasing personality , I may have an inferior wang , but at least I have the skills down south and that's not nothing" . So what do I have now ?

Just my six million twitter followers . I need to figure out how to monetize that . Surely once you have a certain amount of followers companies will pay you to tweet about their products .

I often ask hypothetical questions . Some people really don't like it . But the reason I do it is that I feel like you can get more insight into someone's personality when they don't get bogged down with details . If you ask someone something based highly in reality they often miss the point , they'll same something like "No , I would never do that because the traffic at that time of night would be terrible" when you were trying to gauge how they felt about euthanasia . I find people are often too literal to extract anything interesting about their personality if you don't make things fantastical .

Plus even if they give you a non-answer that tells you something about them in and of itself .

So , here's the scenario - it's 1798 and a French nobleman's son has run away from home and gone to live in an American colony in the new world . Said nobleman has hired you to go get him and bring him back - which is within legal authority . He obviously doesn't want to come back and the colonists are willing to defend him if it comes to force . What's your play ?
3 Comments
You are your job
Posted:May 1, 2018 6:06 pm
Last Updated:May 2, 2018 7:01 pm
2298 Views
Many eons ago when I was a youngster I read a sci-fi book about people that lived on a ship hurtling through space for thousands of years that mutated and adapted to be really good at whatever their job was . Your job became your "race" . I thought it was fantastic at the time but I re-read it a few years ago and it was awful . Who would have thought my tastes would change in 28 years ?

Anyway this book came to mind today because I was trapped in a horrid all employee meeting where the marketing team was droning on about branding . And I noticed that all the marketing people were attractive women . Looking around I realized that all the departments kind of look similar .

Marketing - Sexy ladies
IT - Schlubby neckbeards
Accounting - Waspy sourpusses
HR - Matronly middle aged women
Customer care - Young dead eyed zombies
Field agents - Frat bros
Finance - Silver maned old dudes in suits

And so on . Which begs the question , does how you look end up dictating what job you have ? I mean obviously it does sometimes if you're a model or an actor or someone who's job it is to look a certain way , but beyond that .

My other main thought looking around at the crowd was "wow , this is a lot of white people" . Say what you want about my former employer Evil Corp LLC they hired anyone and everyone . Except in management of course . Can't let diversity get too far .



Last week I got this in the mail . The post office sent it out as part of their "control your god damn dog" campaign .

These can't be live shots right ? These pictures must be staged . But how ? What's the casting like ? Alright , here's the plan , you're going to put on this mail outfit and then this dog is going to attack you . Who's going to go for that ?

Although in the old casting couch scenario which do you think an aspiring actress would be more willing to do ? The old suck and tug for a job or be attacked by a dog ?

I've probably told this story before but one of my friends used to live in the bad part of town and we'd go over there to play D&D sometimes . One time when we were over there the police raided the meth-hole next door . The dude meth addict took off like a comet and was fucking gone . The two meth addict women ran and hid in the abandoned house across the street . So the police are telling them to come out over and over and over and the K-9 unit shows up and they say some out now or we're sending in the dog .

Important tip - if the police say that , COME OUT .

The screaming of two meth addict women being attacked by a police dog is the worst sound I have ever heard in my life . No joking , it haunts me to this day .

Also looking at on it through today's lens of police brutality that doesn't seem like a kosher maneuver on the police tactics .

Anyway , the one picture of the small dog barking at the guy in the pith helmet doesn't seem to effectively convey the message as much as the other ones . I mean he could take that helmet off and batter that dog into next week . Also why is a mailman wearing a pith helmet ?

Also the dog attacking the lady on the ground is clearly not fixed . Maybe that's why he's so aggressive .

And the picture of the dog lunging at the dude standing up , how could you fake that ? He's wearing short sleeves and he's going to let a stunt dog jump and snap at him ? I need to know where these pictures came from and how they were staged . I mean what kind of budget could the Urbandale Post Office have ? Maybe it's a national campaign . Have you gotten a thing like this ?

The ironic thing is of course the only people that need to see this wont get it because of their vicious dogs .
6 Comments
Free wood , inquire within
Posted:Apr 30, 2018 6:53 pm
Last Updated:May 5, 2018 7:28 am
2419 Views
Remember at Andy Kitsmiller 's 25th birthday party when Bobby Langerholtz bumped into my elbow and made my spill my Pina Colada on Julia Williams and she got all mad and said "You ruined my dress !" and I said to her I says "Hy that dress was ruined the moment you put it on" and every laughed and then she went from mad to super pissed so her boyfriend Eddie Witten came at me with a claw hammer but then he tripped and fell because his pants were around his ankles on account of he was getting a blowjob under the table from Tammy McIntosh and then every was laughing even more and Julia was all like "Why are your pants down Eddie ?!" and then me and my cousin Chuko got the hell out of there ? I do . I feel bad for Julia . That was probably of the worst moments of her life .

I realized my last blog post was basiy a "I'm posting about how I have no time to post" post which I have stated that I hate in the past . At least I haven't posted a "Goodbye forever jerks" post yet .

I got a new treadmill Friday and I'm sure you're dying to hear my thoughts .

Large items like this are often shipped with wooden shims to protect them . Throwing away wood always seems weird to me but what else am I going to do with it ? So wasteful .

Why is it ed an Allen wrench and not an Allen's head rewdriver ? Because you're rewing with it , not wrench . Although I guess they do have rewdrivers with hexagon heads so the Allen wrench is a rewdriver with a whammy bar ? Why don't they have "normal" rewdrivers with a whammy bar ? Because when you're digging into a tough rew sometimes you could use more leverage .

Will I ever learn to wear shoes while assembling so I don't smash my toes so easily ? No .

Putting that thing together was a good 2 hours , I worked up quite a sweat . Do you think I burned more calories putting it together than I would in session using it ?

My old treadmill was 20 old , the belt slipped , the cross-training handling things (thingys even) were broken , the incline wouldn't move anymore and it was casting off black dust everywhere BUT it was study as balls . This new seems somewhat flimsy .

On my old treadmill if I was going down I'd have no problem grabbing on for balance (that's what she said) but with this new I feel like if I did that it would off (that's what she said again) .

I was worried at first because it's much longer than my old treadmill which seems pointless - I'm not going to put people on there , I guess if you were really tall you might need that much room - and it also seemed much shorter . But that all seems okay PLUS it's literally 1 jillion times quieter than my old treadmill which is nice . I had a real problem with the old , I had to crank up the sound on whatever I was listening to and I could still barely hear it sometimes - which made me wonder if I was blasting out my neighbor's eardrums .

I was also slightly worried because it has impact absorbing powers which is supposed to be better for your knees and whatnot BUT I've heard a lot of people say when they make the switch they have real issues because it seems so bouncy (like the that's what she said lady's tits) . Sidenote a lot of wrestlers have the same issue - on the indy ene they work in all these super hard crappy rings but then when they make it to the "safer" WWE ring that's springy in the short term it ends up being harder on them because they're not used to it . Especially if they've been n the biz for a long time the safe rings often cause them knee issues until they adjust .

Anyway , this bounce absorbing is great for me because I was on the verge of shin-splits sometimes on my old treadmill . Which is why I started doing yoga sometimes instead in the first place .

And as a bonus , I was always paranoid because it seemed like there was a vague moldy smell in the room with the treadmill that I could never find the source of - which is now g so clearly it was the old treadmill . Where does mold grow on a treadmill ? Beats me . No place you can see that's for sure .

I declare it to be a good purchase and the best part is my new job will me back for it . That's some sweet action .

This is all fainating I'm sure .



I have so much backed up (that's what he said) blog material I don't know where to start . So we'll go with the that's most likely to alienate people .

I read an article the other day wherein a lady was expressing her dismay over being sexually harassed . She was a semi-famous liberal of some sort and people she said were alt-right but may just be garden variety right wing types had a page where they posted pictures of liberal types for "Smash or Pass" type tomfoolery . And of course all the comments were of a derogatory nature . The R word forbidden on this site was used liberally .

Now , I am in no way condoning this behavior , clearly this is not something you should do , but is that sexual harassment ? They weren't sending these comments to her , they were just making them . Such as if I say that some lady at work is a "real piece of ass' here on this blog am I sexually harassing her ?

What they're doing is awful , but is it sexual harassment ? Where's the line ? If some dudes get together and talk about women in a derogatory way and then later I tell all those women what was said is that sexual harassment ?

I often think I wouldn't care if some secretly filmed me having sex because who would want to see it , but then I thought what if there's a website where people post videos of ugly dudes having sex so they can be mocked and humiliated . Obviously I
wouldn't like that . But what does it really mean ? Take the video out of it say some dudes just had a reddit post talking about what a monster I am and how gross it must be when I have sex , am I being sexually harassed .

Is there a line between harassment and being an asshole ? If I write in a notebook about al the women I want to bang surely that's fine . But if I lose the notebook and of the women I wrote about finds it and is freaked out does that that make me a harasser ? That seems like a strange distinction . Which in no way makes her feel less freaked out I understand that .

Many a year ago Chris Rock said "So what's sexually harassment then ? When an ugly man tries to get some ?"

Which is probably offensive now , but it seems like there's maybe some truth to it . Such as if I told a woman she looked nice she'd mace me , tase me and have her boyfriend (who I didn't know about) cut my fingers off and shove them up my butt . But if I looked like Denzel Washington and said that it would be fine .

Just further proof that men and women probably shouldn't interact . Thankfully we seem to be on our way to living a full digital life and the next step will be to download ourselves and become genderless .
9 Comments
Porn with a message
Posted:Apr 29, 2018 4:45 pm
Last Updated:May 1, 2018 6:08 pm
2587 Views

I haven't had much time to blog lately and this weekend when I finally do the site is exploded ? Just wanted to do a quick here while I can log in for a second.

Over on PureTaboo you can watch "The W of Infiidelity" for free right now .

It's an hour long which is 45 minutes longer than you need to be amiright ?

Anyway it's a thing Angela White put together that "explores the ways idealized body types can be used as a means of power, control, and dominance" . It's listed with a keyword of "body positivity" .

In a nutshell a dude wants his gorgeous wife to lose w but (spoiler alert) in the meantime he's cheating on her with a BBW . OMG right ? So they find out about it and eat his dick . Literally .

I always kind of roll my eyes when porn tries to have a message because , it's porn . Maybe that's my own hang-up but it kind of seems like writing little positive messages on a crack pipe . If you're really that concerned with these issues you probably just shouldn't make porn .

What are your thoughts when porn tries to take the high road ?
12 Comments
How would you feel about licking my asshole ?
Posted:Apr 21, 2018 11:27 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2018 4:56 pm
3470 Views

There's a profile I check out ever few weeks because the lady in said profile often posts new videos of herself masturbating while watching porn . I noticed today that she posted a video of herself masturbating while looking at a big plate of spaghetti on her TV . Which makes sense , she's a slender athletic type so she probably hasn't had a carb in decades . I often wonder about the maxim "Nothing tastes as good being in shape feels" because lots of things taste delicious .

In her honor on Tuesday I will buy a cake and then jerk off while staring at it .

If someone tells you to remind them to talk about a topic - and it's an important topic not something like "Remind me to look up who played Steve Martin's daughter in Father of the Bride when we get home" and you don't want to talk about it and you know they'll forget about it so you don't remind them ; how bad is that . It's clearly pretty low on the scale but is it like not signaling when you change lanes bad or more like when you "accidentally" brush up against a lady's chest on the bus bad ?

When someone attacks Wolverine and he kills them in "self-defense" that's not really okay right ? Because he knows they can't really damage him , let alone kill him . It's like when a little kid punches you in the junk , it hurts , but it's not justification for a homicide .

I haven't had much time to blog lately , I haven't had much time for anything . And I don't know why . Where does the time go ? I feel like at this point even if I could dupe some poor woman into dating me when would I see her ? I've got like 44 minutes free at 9:30 AM on Sunday , does that work ? And the confusing this is that I don't do anything , I go to work , I come home , I exercise , that's pretty much it . How can I have so little free time ?

I was shopping for a new treadmill (there's really nothing wrong with the one I have but it's 20 years old and I'm an American) and I noticed that the weight limit on a LOT of them is 220 pounds . That seems incredibly low .

The other day at work a guy walked into the bathroom and said "Here we go , lets do this thing , party time !" as he unzipped his fly and walked up the urinal . I have a couple theories about his excitement . One is that he's an alien in human form taking a piss for the first time . The next is that he's a transgender person and he's using his penis for the first time . And that's two theories , which is a couple .

Remember that episode of Star Trek The Next Generation where the guy who played the Rocketeer banged the lady who played Lois Lane ? I do . I love that episode as a kid because the cool guy was totally cool but as an adult it's pretty lame . The cool guy is clearly just what the nerds who write for sci-fi shows think a cool guy should be through adult eyes .

Wait 40 , I thought you had no time and yet now you're taking about watching episodes of Star Trek from 30 years ago . Touché blog reader , touché .

Also in the second time through watching Trek you notice how many characters appear in minor roles once and are never seen again - and this is because the showrunners didn't want to pay the very moderate fee you have to pay a writer to use a character they created . So basically the entire crew of the Enterprise aside from the main cast was turned over ever week .

Also when they brought in the Guinan character I wonder if Mirina Sirtis was pissed - because her character was literally the ship's counselor , people should have been coming to her for advice .

Did you know that Somali pirates are ultimate supported by a law firm in England ? I didn't . You see when the pirates hold a ship for ransom this law firm is the one that negotiates the deal and keeps most of the money , only a small amount goes to the pirates . And then said law firm makes sure the pirates have all the guns they need and know which ships to go after to keep the money flowing in .

It's unlikely at this point that I'll ever have sex regularly again . Most of the time I'm okay with that . Sometimes it bums me out though .
6 Comments

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